Mehfil-e-Rashid محفلِ رشید
GHAZAL I

Without You

آپ کے بغیر

Aap Ke Baghair

The Story

This ghazal began with a question, written down on an ordinary day: if I could speak to you just one more time, what would I say? Would the hour go to saying I love you, to listing all the ways you meant the world to me, to confessing that a grown man never learned to live without his father? The poem’s answer, hiding in the second sher, is the most honest one: the hour would be spent failing to find the words. The unsayable is the message.

It is written for Dad: editor, writer, poet, the man who taught his son to forge his own relationship with God, and who gave up an editor-in-chief’s chair in Nairobi to bring his children to Canada. This opening ghazal does not tell that story; later ones will. This one holds the fear underneath everything else: the fear of forgetting him, and the stranger fear of healing.

  1. They promised time would teach me how to grieve without you;
    it only taught me there is no reprieve without you.

    کہا تھا وقت نے: جینا آ جائے گا، مگر آپ کے بغیر
    ہر اک علاج سے گہرا ہوا داغِ جگر آپ کے بغیر

    Kaha tha waqt ne: jeena aa jayega, magar aap ke baghair
    har ik ilaaj se gehra hua daagh-e-jigar aap ke baghair

    Time said: living will come to you, but... without you. Every cure only deepened the heart's scar without you.

  2. One hour more, and what would I have said? I'd spend it
    learning all the words I couldn't weave without you.

    اک گھڑی اور اگر ملتی، تو کیا کہتا میں آپ سے؟
    حرف بکھرے ہیں، نہ زیر ان میں نہ زبر آپ کے بغیر

    Ik ghadi aur agar milti, to kya kehta main aap se?
    harf bikhre hain, na zer in mein na zabar aap ke baghair

    One more hour, and what would I have said to you? The letters lie scattered, no zer, no zabar in them, without you. Zer and zabar are the small marks that give Urdu letters their sound; without them, words cannot be spoken.

  3. I buy the fruit you'd buy; I cut it as you cut it.
    The sweetness was your gift; I can't receive without you.

    وہی پھل میں بھی لاتا ہوں، اسی چھری سے کاٹوں
    کیا کروں، میٹھا نہیں کوئی ثمر آپ کے بغیر

    Wohi phal main bhi laata hoon, usi chhuri se kaatoon
    kya karoon, meetha nahin koi samar aap ke baghair

    I bring home the same fruit, cut it with the same knife. What can I do; no fruit tastes sweet without you.

  4. The world insists I'm grown. It never met the boy
    still standing at your door, scared to leave without you.

    دنیا سمجھتی ہے کہ بڑا ہو گیا ہوں میں
    وہ لڑکا آج بھی کھڑا ہے آپ کے در، آپ کے بغیر

    Duniya samajhti hai ke bada ho gaya hoon main
    wo ladka aaj bhi khada hai aap ke dar, aap ke baghair

    The world believes I have grown. That boy still stands at your door, without you.

  5. They swear this ache will ease. That is the fear itself:
    the day my traitor heart learns not to grieve without you.

    کہتے ہیں سب، یہ درد بھی گھٹ جائے گا آخر
    اسی کا خوف ہے: دل پر نہ ہو اثر آپ کے بغیر

    Kehte hain sab, ye dard bhi ghat jayega aakhir
    isi ka khauf hai: dil par na ho asar aap ke baghair

    They all say even this pain will fade in the end. That is the very fear: a heart the grief no longer touches, without you.

  6. Imran, what is this page but an empty loom at night?
    Each couplet, something torn I try to weave without you.

    عمران، یہ کاغذ ہے کہ خالی سا اک کرگھا
    بُنتا ہوں ہر اک شعر میں آپ کا ہنر آپ کے بغیر

    Imran, ye kaghaz hai ke khali sa ik kargha
    bunta hoon har ik sher mein aap ka hunar aap ke baghair

    Imran, is this paper anything but an empty loom? In every sher I weave your own craft, without you.